Etiquette Expert Cindy Grosso

The Polished Professional

Excuse me, Is that my bread plate?

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Have you ever been asked that or have you ever asked that? Does it really matter?

In a word YES! But probably not for the reason you think.

Dining etiquette is really not about the rules…it is about confidence and relationship.

We have spoken before that we are living in a disruptive world where things are changing fast and fast is faster than before.

Dining is an important face time activity where we take the time and have the opportunity to bond with people more than any other time. Face time is valuable time that allows people to feel that they have been completely heard and understood.

I have spoken before about Dr. John Dewey being a famous American philosopher who said the deepest need we have as human beings is the need to be important and in a world that is rapidly changing that has not changed.

If I am not sure about how to dine in a business or formal setting then I am focused on me…looking around to see how to dine properly. If I am doing that then I am being self-conscious and I cannot focus on the people I am with. But if I know how to dine then I am self-confident and I can give my full attention on the people I am with. If I can do that, then in that moment I am fulfilling the deepest need they have, the need to be important; and if I can do that, then maybe there is a better chance I can do business, be friends or just enjoy the company of my guests.

People do business with people they like…because they can.

Knowing how to dine from everything to knowing where to sit, how to place your order, proper use of the utensils and table conversation all build our confidence and reflect your style, savvy and respect for them and you.

So, is your bread plate the one on your left or the one on your right?

Your bread plate, as any other food plates that are not served center plate, are set to the left of the dinner plate…..a good way to remember that is the word “food” has four letters and so does the word “left”, so all food plates, bread, salad, etc., all go to the left of the dinner plate.

Knowing the proper dining savvy allows you to confidently enjoy the meal and the event.

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The secret language of seating protocol

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Successful people in business who make it to the top in their field do not get there by accident. They make the necessary investments in learning to be poised and position themselves for success. Part of their success strategy includes non-verbal interaction with others. The non-verbal communication in business is very important and can speak very loudly about you. One component of the non-verbal communication is how you physically interact and your understanding and use of proper seating protocol.

In business, seating arrangements can be a subtle, but powerful way to either encourage good relations or create negative, unspoken communication.  In America, we tend to be more relaxed or maybe just more unaware when it comes to the proper protocol of seating in business.  However, when you step into the international arena, if you are ignorant about seating protocol, you can do irreversible damage.

There is a protocol to seating in business that can be effectively used when understood. Here are some American business etiquette guidelines to follow for seating yourself and your clients/guests.

If you are the host…position of honor is to your right. Your guest is therefore seated on your right at a dinner or lunch meeting.  If there is more than one guest, the most honored guest is on the right of the host and the second highest guest is seated to the left of the host. The third highest is to the right of the highest guest… and so forth. In business, seating is done by rank and not by gender, which of course follows the guidelines of business etiquette which are based on hierarchy.

If traveling by taxi, or by limo, the most desired location is in the back seat on the passenger side, which is the honor position in a car.

When inviting a team member into your office…invite them in and direct them on where to be seated. The host waits for his/her guest to be seated first. I suggest that you do not sit across the desk from your guest, but rather put him/her next to you on the same side of the desk. This means your office needs to be set up with two chairs on the guest-side of the desk. This positioning eliminates the desk as a barrier between you and your guest.

If you interview someone for a job, sit them across the table or desk from you.  In this case, the table/desk may be used as a barrier between you and them.

If at a meeting, you may want to use a round table for negations or meetings. This eliminates the table “Head” position, which may help to promote team work or equal importance.  If the host of the meeting has a guest, the guest is seated on the right of the host.

If you are seated at a rectangular table for a meeting and you are the host, try sitting on the side of the table and not at the head.  This may symbolize better unanimity, less pretense and more open negotiations.

Seating yourself and others correctly is one more way to show your professional savvy, whether you are dealing in business nationally or even more importantly, internationally.

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Why is being present so important?

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Not to long ago I was conducting a professional table manners program for a college conference.  As I was speaking, I noticed that many students had their phones out on the table and often it was on the plate in front of them before the food was served.

I thought this very interesting as the topic was how to dine in business and the name of the program was the “Million Dollar Meal.”  I asked the people in the room if they were at an interview or a business meeting over a meal, would they have their cell phone out on the table? As they put their phones away, I would like to think that their answer would be no without someone having to ask them….but I am learning that just the basics are needed more and more.

Often while dining out with my husband, we see families sitting together, but not engaged in conversation with each other.  The children are often on their gaming devices, or listening to music with earbuds in their ears while the parents may be talking, and often not to each other. They are often communicating by way of text or cell phones to people not at the table.  I am saddened to think this may be the new definition of family time.

Technology is wonderful, but it should have its limits.  Statistics show that teens spend between 20 to 52 hours every week in front of a computer screen and that does not include entertainment media or the cell phone. The research concluded that all this media exposure was associated with negative social well-being. You really do not grow up in a house with no real communication and become a great communicator. Statistics show the inability to communication well is 80% of the reason people do not get ahead in their jobs and is a common barrier to successful marriages, relationships and careers.

Family dining time is an important time to bond and engage with your children and your spouse.   Allow the dining table to be an opportunity to invest time in one another and develop life skills that contribute to success.  Just because someone is sitting next to you, does not mean you are spending quality time with that person.  Teach your children, teens and young adults to communicate without technology…face to face.

At the dining table consider having them put their cell phones away and get connected with the people at the table. Talk about the day, about events in their lives, feelings, triumphs and failures.  This valuable time keeps us from being isolated, lowers depression, conveys love and research shows it is associated with positive social well-being.

Dining has always been a time to build relationships with others, whether that is in business or with family in your own home.

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Business power tea

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January is National Hot Tea Month.

Hot tea is part of almost every business culture in the world….but what about tea in America?

Hot tea has been enjoyed for centuries and most tea connoisseurs know the custom of afternoon tea is believed to have started in England. The custom is said to have commenced as a pick-me-up in the afternoon due to the long span of time between lunch and dinner.  After experiencing lethargy due to blood sugar drops three to four hours after lunch, afternoon tea was a catalyst until dinner was served much later in the evening and became a welcome event for social interaction.

As is still the custom today, people stop for afternoon tea and tea savories to communicate with one another.  Afternoon tea is so treasured because it is a civilized ceremony that is about connecting and bonding with the people around you.

Inviting someone to have a business power tea at around four o’clock, enables the business person to spend most of the day in the office and is a cultured way to take business out of the office or even end the day.

Another benefit of afternoon tea is the lack of  alcohol consumption, possibly making it a more productive meeting.  It typically is less expensive then dinner and even lunch, but yet it is a sophisticated platform for a business meeting.    The business power tea usually lasts around an hour.

Businesses are starting to understand that an invitation to have a “proper cup of afternoon tea” is not only interesting, but yet a relaxed and refined way to entertain clients.

Today, I feel it is even more precious, as it is a time when we put away our electronic devices and connect with those around us in a casual, yet customary face to face conversation over tea. We have talked several times about the power of being present and that face to face communication is a time when people feel they have been completely heard and understood; such a valuable time in business.

People do business with people they like, because they can! Inviting someone to afternoon tea is a great way to build relationships and get to know others.

Invite someone to an afternoon business power tea today….a very celebrated and civilized event.

Holiday Greeting Cards

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This time of year many people are sending personal and business holiday greeting cards. What does etiquette suggest?

Etiquette suggests sending a personal holiday card to people with whom you do not give a gift.  Therefore, taking the time to wish them well in the form of a holiday card is their gift. So whether sending a personal or business holiday card, I suggest that you take the time and mail a traditional card.

What about emailed holiday cards?
Even though most of us love technology…..it can not be used as a substitute for personal interaction. An email card or mass email blast can be impersonal.
It may send the message that they are not of much value to you due to a lack of investment of time and money. Also, the recipient may not get it, as mass emails may be picked up as spam.

Even as technology is becoming more integrated into our everyday lives, we must strive to also be high touch. I know many people will be sending or thinking about sending email cards this year…..and it can easily become the norm. However, it is nice to think that the investment of time and money associated with the old fashion tradition of mailing a holiday card may distinguish your efforts from that of others.

Do you know how to personalize a holiday card?
In today’s rushed world, taking the time to personalize a traditional card may be a wonderful way to also show appreciation for the recipient. Personalized notes need not be a book, they only need to be a sentence or two, possibly including thankfulness of the relationship and the wish of continued success.

It my also be personalized by signing the card if it is engraved.
– If you are a couple, the cards should be engraved with the wife’s name first; ex. Jane and John Smith, then just sign your first name signatures.

– If your card is engraved with your company name, then sign the card using both your first and last name signature.

– If it is your name that is engraved on the card, then just sign using your first name signature.

Personalizing a traditional card is important and helps to express a special gesture of appreciation.

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